Marriage Solutions can be hard to find, unless you know where to look…
“Are your children getting more attention from your spouse than you are?” 3 things you can do to turn the tide now It’s not unusual for the focus of your life to shift according to need or according to interest. When couples first meet there’s a whole lot going on that drives our unrelenting attention to each other.
Here are a few things to consider at the start of a marriage, or a relationship:
There’s the uniqueness of this ‘new’ person captivating our imagination and filling us with wonder. We can’t get enough information – ‘so…that’s how you brush your teeth?… We want to look around the corners of their lives, see what we haven’t yet seen.
The need for information is of course understandable since the mating dance is meant to answer the question: ‘is this the right person for me?’
Our attention is further driven by hormones. Newness is exciting, and so is the anticipation of intimate connecting. The chemical cocktail swirling around in the many interested ‘centers’ in our bodies makes our attentiveness fierce. We imagine, we long, we desire, we think, we feel – all competing for and contributing to the need for various kinds of information.
I believe all serious encounters between a man and a woman trigger an ancient code – ‘will this be a good father/ mother for my children?’ That possibility makes our attentiveness even more important as we explore the day to day discoveries of new relationship.
When, however, this new relationship actually produces children, attention shifts. We become parents. We become guardians and nourishers. We discover an amazing loving presence that we were mostly unprepared for. We change because of our children. Old values fade and are replaced with newly relevant ones. “What movie should we see?” becomes “how do we together create an environment that is healthy for this child?”
Within that transformation, another happens. We sometimes lose track of the tenderness we felt for each other. Our energies may be spent in celebrating/ caring for/ and thinking about this child. As we grow into being a parent it’s easy to lose track of the richness in our marriage that made it possible to invite this child in in the first place. Try These Marriage Solutions
Here are three solutions you can use in your marriage to ‘correct’ your course:
1. One marriage solution that helps is to begin with a conversation about what’s missing. Start this conversation with a word of caution. “This isn’t about what either of us is doing “wrong.” It isn’t about failure, or leaving, or anything like that. I’d like to talk with you about some things I’ve been missing lately. And I want to do this because I miss you.”
2. Another possible solution is to take a parenting break and focus on your marriage. Whatever age your child/ children are, we all know their needs can be pretty consuming. Plan for a ½ hour time to talk to each other. Perhaps they’re in bed, perhaps you ask a neighbor’s or child care person’s help, perhaps you simply ask them to occupy themselves with something of interest so that you can have that time. I know a couple who shops for interesting coloring books, nature movies, or small safe projects that their children can do unsupervised, then pulls one of them out when they schedule some time for each other.
3. Finally, a marriage solution that helps is touching: it is perhaps the greatest need we all have when we’re talking about our need for attention. Five minutes of tender touching can equal an hour or more of conversation. That’s because we need to know that we’re desirable even if we’re swamped with life’s demands. I know husbands who have complained of their wives apparent lack of interest in them – ever since the children came.
When they moved towards their wives with their tenderness, leaving their hurt feelings and complaints behind, they have been genuinely surprised by the huge reservoir of feelings their partners gave in response.
It’s not magic. In relationship we tend to ‘get’ what we offer. If we offer fear and complaint we are likely to get coldness and distance. If we offer loving tenderness, genuine interest in our partner, truth and vision for our relationship, we are likely to be partnered back. You get to choose.
Try one of these Marriage Solutions
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