Now That You’ve All Heard


Now that you’ve all heard about marriage and its challenges, now that you’ve watched endless television shows that lampoon long term relationships, now that you’ve lived together long enough to be bored together and maybe just maybe ask each other if there’s something more for the two of you..

Now that you’ve all heard about marriage and its challenges, now that you’ve watched endless television shows that lampoon long term relationships, now that you’ve lived together long enough to be bored together and maybe just maybe ask each other if there’s something more for the two of you..

Now that you’ve assimilated the tasks of life into the routines of life, now that your laundry doesn’t seem special to either of you, now that dinner is a habit whereby you get nourishment and no longer an event to be anticipated, now that the children are growing and can make it to their friends house on their own, now that they’re gone on their own trajectories and you wait (wait?) for a call..

You are, now, entering the world of grown ups. Here, marriage is ready for serious study, here marriage is a huge possibility but you don’t know it yet, here you may be able to discover some things about your partner hitherto unknown to both of you. Here, marriage really does become a journey now that you have nothing better to do.

Divorce happens when we dumb ourselves down, so I say. Divorce happens because we have (within) limited options. Divorce is like taking drugs when you’re bored or drinking yourself into oblivion when you can’t think of anything better to do. Divorce aborts. It nullifies a promise first spoken outloud to a community of friends and families at the wedding. Divorce looks to us like a gyp, a wooden nickel, a Madoff.

Now that you know that it’s time to get up off the soft couch of your fear, time to step out of the dark confines of your laziness and ask some questions, now that you know that… it’s time, we say, to claim the promise that marriage is.

Time to dance to offbeat rhythms you must learn together, time to peel away clichés, time to ask not tell, time to listen, time to wonder outloud, time to touch with the touch of discovery, the tenderness of learning, the awe of genuine closeness. We say, because we can say, it’s time to move into the promise of loving.

Which will take determination and courage but also a deep grasping and realization of your own loving. It will take commitment to move into a new understanding of how you love, where you learned not to, and a fierce commitment to let no one, no one – parent, friend, partner, neighbor or yourself – convince you otherwise.

As the poet David Whyte says “I have been told (that) in that fierce embrace, even the gods speak of God.”

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