Marriage
Conversation
In The Marriage Conversation marriages that continue to become healthier, more vital, more interesting, more fun – tend to enliven everyone around them.
Not only do they create a safer world for children, research shows that the people living those marriages tend to be healthier, do better with money, get more out of the adventure of aging and more. We called it the marriage conversation because we wanted to engage couples who were eager and willing to expand and grow. We not only welcome your feedback we ask for it.
services
marriage coaching
Marriage coaching is an way of moving couples through their ‘stuck’ places into the creation of a learning agreement, new competencies and skills for connecting intimately.
Workshops
A workshop can be custom designed for any group depending on need and desire. Workshops grow out of presentations typically extending and expanding on an area of interest.
event speaking
Stephen is a keynote speaker who crafts his presentations in response to a group’s needs. The presentations are custom designed to maximize the value a particular group seeks.
Check out our books on Marriage Conversation
Some marriages became a series of groans, some live in the blues. Many marriages no longer sing. We created a new way to think about, imagine, talk about and live in marriage.
With These Rings offers the opportunity to turn arguments into intimacy, chronic conflict and the fear of loss into new beginnings through active, imaginative interaction.
Blogs
Dreams
Freud said that ‘dreams are the royal road to consciousness.’ In a heavily dunned entertainment culture where we live too often on sound bites, dreams are mostly ignored, shoved to the periphery of our attentiveness, seen as not really relevant to our lives. We do that at our own expense, losing the rich images that […]
Another Thing About Marriage
Another thing about Marriage in Marriage Conversation is to take full responsibility for your own happiness is one essential basis for successful partnering. What that means is this: you no longer get to use your partner as the scapegoat for what you lack. You no longer get to blame her for the coldness you learned […]
The Million Dollar Smile
The blinding darkness of assumptions The Million Dollar Smile in Marriage Conversation: He walked briskly up to me hand extended “I know you from somewhere…eh, the country club?” “I doubt it” I said as I limply shook his hand. We were standing around at a Chamber mixer on a hot southern California July evening. I […]
The Four Horsemen of Irresolvable Conflict
The Four Horseman of Irresolvable Conflict in Marriage Conversation: We speak of conflict as a golden road to intimate connection. It can also be the catalyst for ‘irreconcilable differences.’ Conflict is a natural consequence of individuals growing and changing. Conflict is our noticing that something’s different, something’s not quite ‘right,’ something’s changed. If we think […]
Fathers and Sons Episode
The mystery, meaning, and deep power that is possible between fathers and sons is often missed. We perhaps are lulled by the struggles of living or seduced into creating a version of each other that most times isn’t true. Whatever the case, finding a pathway to relationship is rich in possibility.
Whining Episode
Need awareness is perhaps the most critical component of healthy relating. It’s hard to allow yourself to be aware of your own needs when your life has been spent in the presence of adults who applaud need denial. “What a great player!” I heard a youthful soccer coach say. “He played the entire second half […]
Stop Look Listen Episode
It’s easy to let the world around you control your focus. It doesn’t take much effort to be a stooge of the ‘entertainment culture.’ Being entertained, distracted, pulled in directions others want you to go makes you lazy, relationally speaking. You can reclaim your focus and rebirth your relationship simply by creating your own purposeful […]
Resentment Episode
That which is unaddressed, avoided or denied can cause great havoc in your relationship and set a mood – resentment – that will poison even your best efforts at loving. Of course you must be prepared for anything once you decide to speak your heart thoughts outloud.
Secrets Episode
The unfinished business you carry around can be like a cancer in your body. Secrets, I’m not talking here about an individual’s right to private thoughts, can be toxic even lethal. Take a look at what you’re protecting and why. You may find a new path to intimate connections hidden in the very secrets you […]
Faithfulness Episode
We make much, in American dialogue about marriage, of the need for faithfulness. “Married 27 years and never been unfaithful.” There is another dimension to faithfulness that we don’t so often talk about. You’ll find it here in this reminder of what faithfulness is really all about.
Yes No Maybe Episode
If your life together is bland and joyless. If your conversations drift along with no energy, if you often feel resentful, this little story is for you.
The Art of Surrender Episode
Surrender used in the way we usually use it, has a negative connotation. “I give up,” or “I gave in.” There is a powerful need for surrender in relationships. It has to do with facing your own out of control ego. Power struggles are common but we don’t have to indulge our need for power. […]
Discovering Who you Are Episode
It’s tempting to live in the future and it’s tempting as well to live in the past. All of us can live somewhere where we are not presently living or live with someone who is not our partner. This fundamental human talent causes a great deal of confusion. Tolle, in the Power of Now, reminds […]
The Marriage Conversation Episode
You really can’t do a whole lot about revitalizing your marriage until you face the basic premise or premises it’s built upon. We call those premises the marriage paradigm. What we need to do is take the mask off our model of marriage so we can expose its origins and expectations. There’s a new way […]
Wounds into Gold Episode
What happens to us sometimes happens for us. What we call wounds can be the impetus to self realization. I don’t mean to be an ‘airy – fairy’ optimist here. I do mean to encourage you to take a second look at those experiences you perhaps have felt victimized by and see how you can […]
Cognac Episode
Consciousness is partly distilled wisdom. It is the capacity to take one’s own experience together with the experience of others and create a third thing. Consciousness summarizes, focuses, points. We are always distilling miles and miles of information – emotional, intellectual, spiritual, psychological and physical – and using it to make sense of our complex […]
Why Tell Stories in Marriage Episode
The stream of experience, the wealth of learning, the vast resources of memory – all are contained ‘in a nutshell’ in our stories. Stories help us feel our commonality, community, and communicate images we count on to survive. Stories pull us, push us, startle us, perplex us. Life without stories would be flat lined indeed.
It Pays to Stop Paying Attention Episode
We are wonderfully made. We have all kinds of radar for picking up information that we’d otherwise miss. We also have a vast capacity for imagining, for creating clues to guide us. Trouble is, most of the time, we aren’t tuned in to the clues or the signals that our hard wiring offers.
Bull in a China Closet Episode
“A prophet is not without honor, except in his own country.” So an ancient saying goes. Those we are closest to often suffer from familiarity in this way: it’s hard to see their gifts, hard to gain perspective, hard too to even hear them – when what they are saying doesn’t fit our habitual way […]
Seeing is Believing Episode
We look at the world the way we always have. A new perspective – a really fresh look – is hard to come by. Yet, relationship viability requires this competency. We must be able to re-contextualize, to re- imagine chronic challenges if we are to have any possibility of moving on and through them. To […]
Marriage Spirituality Episode
Spirituality is deeper and far more relational than religion. Spirituality connects you to the Source of Being. Spirituality also connects us to each other. It is about the deepest resonance of life itself.
Share your Pain Episode
Grief is part of life. How you enter it, relate to it, share it, as well as what you learn from it – determines what you give back to the world. Giving back to the world may be the most important gift grieving and loss offers.
Marriage Sparks Fading Episode
You may be surprised to know that marriage failure has a lot to do with the model or paradigm you live within, more perhaps than it has to do with poor choice of partner. Your paradigm informs your perception – your expectations, your images of satisfaction, and your willingness to work on this marriage.
Raising a Teenager Episode
Arguments are power struggles and power struggles occur in the absence of true or ‘good’ authority. Arguments are useless because they aren’t really aimed at solutions. They are concerned with winning or losing. Good authority recognizes authority in others. If you are going to change your relationship with a teenager you’ll be wise to recognize […]
Difficult Conversations Episode
Stonewalling, passivity, avoidance are all relationship stoppers. This podcast is about changing the game and opening a new pathway to talking about difficult stuff. You can recreate a style of conversation and in doing so, recreate your marriage.
Marriage Communication Episode
We may think we know our partners better than they know themselves. That conceit lies behind a whole lot of frustration when communication is the issue within marriage. Anticipating what will be said is a communication stopper. Here’s a story for you.
Understanding your Spouse Episode
The way you see the world and the way your partner sees the world inevitably will be different. Getting your hands around that idea will change your conversations from adversarial to collaborative.
Fights About Money Episode
Money makes the world go around, or so they said in the stage play Cabaret. While it may or may not be the root of all evil it is the root of much conflict within marriage. Here’s our introduction to this dicey topic.
Useful Links
Here are some links to useful resources in Marriage Conversation: Too tired for sex? Increase sex drive, increase sexual arousal. Laurie Mintz’s latest book “A Tired Women’s Guide to Passionate Sex” has been well received by couples and psychologists alike, and has been shown in research to increase sex drive and arousal in women who read […]
Terms of Use
Marriage Conversation Terms of Use THESE TERMS OF SERVICE GOVERN YOUR USE OF THIS SITE, WHICH IS PROVIDED BY STEPHEN FRUEH. BY ACCESSING THIS SITE, YOU ARE INDICATING YOUR ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND ACCEPTANCE OF THESE TERMS OF USE. THESE TERMS OF USE ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME. YOUR USE OF THIS SITE AFTER SUCH […]
Taking off the Mask
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ganbei/2382580807/ Taking off the Mask in Marriage Conversation: The single most difficult task any professional helper who is dealing with a marriage that has lost its bearings is this: there is an immediate need to ‘take off the masks’ that each individual wears. Necessarily so. Why? Masks are created to meet the expectations of the […]
Starting Fresh Claiming a new Life within Marriage
Starting Fresh Claiming a new Life within Marriage on Marriage Conversation: Why do many marriages veer towards marginal when the love that started the process seemed so promising? How is it that many people wake up three or four years into marriage wondering why they married in the first place? Many marriages ‘marginalize’ their love. […]
So Busy Parenting we Forget to Love and Cherish our Children
So Busy Parenting we Forget to Love and Cherish our Children In Marriage Conversation: Parenting is way of life. It demands consistent consciousness and attentiveness. There’s safety, health, learning, relationships, play – all needing our guidance and focus. We want a lot for these little people who are on the way to taking their place […]
She Doesn’t Get It – Time Magazine’s Featured Article on Marriage
She Doesn’t Get It- Time Magazine’s Featured Article on Marriage – Marriage Conversation: Caitlin Flanagan’s featured piece in Time Magazine (July 13th) is a harangue on men – shaming, blaming, superior, posturing – but misses ‘what’s missing’ in marriage. Ms Flanagan’s piece is from the old school. You may think she’d grown up with Cotton […]
Shame On You
Shame On You on Marriage Conversation: The May 30, 2011 cover of Time Magazine had this headline “Sex, Lies, Arrogance: What Makes Powerful Men Act like pigs?” This title neatly catches an old worn out paradigm – a Puritan thought police kind of thing- that reflects attitudes of shaming, blaming, self righteousness […]
Safety In Marriage
Safety in Marriage in Marriage Conversation: In order for a marriage to function as a healthy marriage there is a big need for safety. We call good marriages ‘learning communities’ because healthy marriages make each partner (and all the children) smarter. Dysfunctional marriages (we call them ‘marginal’) tend to make the partners crazier or perhaps […]
Resources
Dr. Laurie Mintz
Privacy Notice
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Mobile Home
Mobile Home in Marriage Conversation: We’ve studied marriage for a long long time but became convinced that a new model of marriage was needed after six years of dating didn’t get us much closer to ‘closing the deal.’ Together, facing chronic conflict and trying to communicate using many of the phrases and ideas we grew […]
Marriage – Living on the Edge
Living on The Edge in Marriage Conversation: A young thirty something businessman and I were talking about his business and the fact that it ‘flat lines,’ ‘doesn’t grow’ and that inflation drives his small profit margin down each year. We got around to talking strategy and I began talking about attitude. “You’ve got to find […]
Marriage – A Core Connection – Marriage Conversation
Marriage – A Core Connection in Marriage Conversation: “If you cannot tell me three things your partner cherishes about you in 30 seconds, your marriage is marginal.” This challenge was put to some 50 couples who were attending a weekend retreat in the hills above Santa Barbara, California. Most, tentatively, came up stumped or perhaps […]
Marriage What’s Up Doc
Marriage Whats Up Doc in Marriage Conversation: We have a teenage daughter who is delightful, energetic and responsible. That is, she responds to a voice within her that listens to a beat I can’t quite hear. I have my own (inner) voices and although I am not quite schizophrenic yet, I do hear voices from […]
Marriage The Unspoken Realities
Marriage The Unspoken Realities in Marriage Conversation: It’s not what you talk about but what you avoid talking about that will make your marriage marginal. The vulnerability of men and boys and the painful consequences of isolation were vividly captured this week as we all read the Penn State story. A world where invulnerability is […]
Marriage Book – Announcing Special Offer
Marriage Book – Announcing Special Offer in Marriage Conversation: We are all very excited this morning and I’ll tell you why. I have visions of making a big difference in the way people view marriage. This vision extends to redefining marriage in a way that gives couples substance – ideas to expand and deepen pathways […]
Magnificent
From Marginal to Magnificent Marriage Re-Imagined Learn more…
I Study Marriage for a Living
I Study Marriage for a Living in Marriage Conversation: If someone asked you “what’s your partner’s biggest fear?” Could you name it? The newest coffee shop in town was deserted except for a huge police officer sittìng belly out front sipping a small cup of decaf. I knew it was decaf because the box was […]
High Functioning Family Teams
High Functioning Family Teams in Marriage Conversation The Marriage Conversation on WTBQ Radio NY with Dr. Stephen Frueh and Shannon Sanford How family’s become high functioning teams {audio}https://marriageconversation.com/images/stories/radioshows/Marriage Conversation-9-12.mp3{/audio} Show Length: 51.01
Giving Voice to Your Marriage
Giving Voice to Your Marriage in Marriage Conversation We’ve studied marriage for a long long time but became convinced that a new model of marriage was needed after six years of dating didn’t get us much closer to ‘closing the deal.’ Together, facing chronic conflict and trying to communicate using many of the phrases and […]
From Marginal to Magnificent
Marriage Re-Imagined From Marginal to Magnificent – Marriage Conversation Many marriages no longer sing. From a wedding high – a Strauss march perhaps, or a tender Sinatra love song or maybe their beginnings sounded like a beautiful hymn sang in an ancient temple, or maybe it was 60s rock and roll – from that high […]
Fail and Failure – An Important Distinction in Communication Challenges
Fail and Failure – An Important Distinction in Communication Challenges in Marriage Conversation: I failed in my first marriage but I wasn’t a failure. This important distinction is often overlooked by those who can’t quite seem to forgive themselves, have chronically low self esteem or who are drawn to manipulating those around them. To fail, […]
Dummy Content
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Does the Rain Drive the Mood or Does the Mood use the Rain
Does the Rain Drive the Mood or Does the Mood use the Rain in Marriage Conversation: Early rainy Monday morning: Does the rain drive the mood or does the mood use the rain? Going inward. https://www.flickr.com/photos/emzee/271511545/ What marriage needs is a new big idea. We’ve tinkered with relationship competency for a long time now […]
Divorce isn’t Only a Personal Choice
Divorce isn’t Only a Personal Choice in Marriage Conversation: Divorce isn’t only a personal choice. It has a history. You’d be wise to learn about that history and its impact on marriage. Read more about the Evolution of Divorce.
Couples Articles
Couples Articles in Marriage Conversation: Make a selection below to see a list of all Dr. Stephen Frueh’s articles, podcasts, and radio shows Marriage On The Air Radio Shows Podcasts Stephen’s Articles
Conflict, The Golden Path to Intimate Connection
Conflict, The Golden Path to Intimate Connection in Marriage Conversation: A favorite scene in the Wizard of Oz has Dorothy confronting the Wizard. “You’re a fraud” she says after Toto has knocked down the screen separating him from the four adventurers. “No I’m not” he replies. “I’m simply trying to help..” Dorothy’s anger came from […]
Community
Community in Marriage Conversation: If you would like to become part of the Marriage Conversation community you can do so in a number of ways: 1. Share your views and insights via the blog At the bottom of each article or podcast there is a comments form. Simply enter your comment or question in the […]
Avoiding Divorce – Are You Ready for a Real Marriage
Avoiding Divorce – Are You Ready for a Real Marriage in Marriage Conversation: When your partner says “this is just too hard,” or “I can’t do this any longer” – we say “there’s no need to give up now.” What’s going on is this: you are now ready to embrace a real marriage. We’ve got […]
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Divorce isn’t Only a Personal Choice
Divorce isn’t Only a Personal Choice in Marriage Conversation: Divorce isn’t only a personal choice. It has a history. You’d be wise to learn about that history and its impact on marriage. Read more about the Evolution of Divorce.
Divorce before Divorce
Divorce Before Divorce in Marriage Conversation Many time people consider Divorce when they really ought to learn how to end (divorce) the stale and worn out agreement they have called marriage… Many marriages end before they begin. They abort the promises made at the alter of commitment. Divorce is an attempt to solve complex problems […]
Divorce and the National Average
Divorce and the National Average in Marriage Conversation We live on a cul de sac in a ‘safe’ city in Southern California. Our neighbors are polite and friendly. We all share vegetables from our gardens. Nobody speeds. We are all conscious of the nine children living in the four houses at the end of the […]
Couples Workshop Registration
Couples Workshop Registration in Marriage Conversation Subject: How to Build a Better Marriage When: Last Saturday of each month Where: Ventura County, CA Cost: $45 per couple Join us for the next in our popular workshop series on “How to Build a Better Marriage.” Coffee, donuts and laughter are guaranteed at our friendly and supportive workshops. […]
Continual Renewal
Continual Renewal in Marriage Conversation “Auto pilot relating” means you no longer believe that change and growth is an important part of intimacy. You may believe that your partner can’t or will not change. You may believe that you’re ‘too old to change’ or that your partner is too old. Recently at a business forum […]
Contact
Contact in Marriage Conversation If you have a comment or question I’d love to hear from you. You can email me directly on stephen@marriageconversation.com or use the contact form below. [contact-form 1 “Contact form 1”]
Conflict and Health
Conflict and Health in Marriage Conversation Interesting ABC news story on conflict and health
Complexity
Complexity in Marriage Conversation In Marriage and in Politics, simplistic solutions mislead. Most marriages begin with a basic and important fallacy. It is this: ‘we’re in love and everything’s going to be fine.’ This belief misses the necessary and inevitable effects of people changing and growing, of their situation – jobs, health, extended family, community […]
Community
Community in Marriage Conversation If you would like to become part of the Marriage Conversation community you can do so in a number of ways: 1. Share your views and insights via the blog At the bottom of each article or podcast there is a comments form. Simply enter your comment or question in the […]
Child Abuse in Pennsylvania
Child Abuse in Pennsylvania in Marriage Conversation Whenever I can I pick up news items that are relevant to the families I am privileged to deal with. This article comes in today’s (Friday the 13th) N.Y. Times. Two judges, in the Scranton area of Pennsylvania, have been arrested for, what else, greed. They shuttled teenagers […]
Child Abuse in Brazil
Child Abuse in Brazil in Marriage Conversation A recent news item in the N.Y. Times (Saturday, March 28, 2009) followed up an earlier report on the abuse of young girls in Brazil. The story centered on a nine year old girl who was impregnated as a result of rape by her stepfather. The girl who […]
Check your Whiner at the Door
Check your Whiner at the Door in Marriage Conversation Marriage holds within it huge possibilities for personal growth – including, but not limited to: increasing your capacity to listen to someone you love; articulating complex feelings / thinkings; shaping your personal vision in partnership with someone else’s vision; learning to embrace conflict. These are all […]
Changing Civilization
Changing Civilization in Marriage Conversation This morning, someone I know really well told me a dream about her mother. Her mother, you might want to know, died many years ago. As she related the dream I realized she was re-evaluating the relationship she had with her mother. She was looking at the way she and […]
Chain Smoking Bad News
Chain Smoking Bad News in Marriage Conversation Our attraction to trouble may help us survive I, like many Americans, have a “bad news” addiction. I see three articles on the front page of the paper all talking about something good that happened or is happening and I skim them. Give me a story about a […]
Begin it Now Again
Begin it Now Again in Marriage Conversation A company president once told me this: “you know, Stephen, common sense is not all that common.” He was right and if you look around you’ll see a lot that qualifies as not such good sense. Especially at this time of bank failures, rising unemployment and surging national […]
Begin it Now
Begin it Now In Marriage Conversation A company president once told me this: “you know, Stephen, common sense is not all that common.” He was right and if you look around you’ll see a lot that qualifies as not such good sense. Especially at this time of bank failures, rising unemployment and surging national debt. […]
Avoiding Divorce- Are you Ready for a Real Marriage
Avoiding Divorce- Are you Ready for a Real Marriage in Marriage Conversation When your partner says “this is just too hard,” or “I can’t do this any longer” – we say “there’s no need to give up now.” What’s going on is this: you are now ready to embrace a real marriage. We’ve got the […]
Attention Span Self Help Solutions for a Tired Marriage
Attention Span Self Help Solutions for a Tired Marriage in Marriage Conversation Focusing on what your partner is saying, tuning in, being fully present to the conversation is one of the necessary ‘arts’ of intimate connecting.. Have you ever walked away from someone and then realized they weren’t finished with what they were saying? Has […]
And Sunday Evening Retrospect
And Sunday Evening Retrospect in Marriage Conversation Would it be too much to ask? Ask whether the so called ‘weekend’ was what you wanted. What you signed up for. To ask a question dripping with meaning – why? Why did I do what I did? Why didn’t I do what I thought I’d do? Why […]
About Marriage Conversation
About Marriage Conversation in Marriage Conversation Introducing Stephen W. Frueh M.Div; PhD Stephen is a coach and educator who has a passion for teaching people the fundamentals of effective relationships. He created the With These Rings model, working on it for over ten years, and expects to publish it this year. Raised in the inner […]
About
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A Time for Imagining Marriage- Marriage Re-Invented
A Time for Imagining Marriage- Marriage Re-Invented in Marriage Conversation There are a lot of ‘chronics’ – chronic arguments, chronic indigestion, chronic indebtedness, chronic sleeplessness… Marriages are dissolving in the fifty percent range and while that may have been a sign of hope thirty years ago when many marriages were simply ‘duty dances’ it is […]
A Positive Marriage-2
A Positive Marriage-2 in Marriage Conversation There are four things you’ll have to embrace if you want to wake up every morning with a positive experience of marriage. Before I give them to you, I’ll give a word of caution. Positive ain’t easy. Negative is. It’s easy to see what’s wrong with your marriage. It’s […]
A Positive Marriage
A Positive Marriage in Marriage Conversation There are four things you’ll have to embrace if you want to wake up every morning with a positive experience of marriage. Before I give them to you, I’ll offer a word of caution. Positive ain’t easy. Negative is. It’s easy to see what’s wrong with your marriage. It’s […]
A Marriage Strategy for Successful Communication
A Marriage Strategy for Successful Communication in Marriage Conversation Show don’t Tell When my wife recently challenged my purchase of a new laptop (top end with all the bells and whistles) with a “did we really need to spend that much? question, I saw a moment of opportunity. “Look” I said as I turned the […]
A Man’s Wedding
A Man’s Wedding in Marriage Conversation I walked briskly up the curved driveway of a beautiful Southern California home. Not a mansion, not a tract either. I rang the doorbell of a male friend, Frank, that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years, that is, since I was best man at his wedding. Our […]
Why Twitter – Why Not
Why Twitter – Why Not in Marriage Conversation There is a big messy challenge for anyone who has an idea and wants the world to know about it. Not that the world necessarily needs the idea. Just a few people really do, or so it seems. But a good idea sparks a great deal of […]
Why Not Make Marriage Your Art Form
Why Not Make Marriage Your Art Form in Marriage Conversation In the marathon called life, marriage often comes in last. Like our health we often ignore it until the danger signs ramp up to near disaster. “Oh,” we seem to say, “ does our marriage need attention?” Like people on fast food diets we do […]
Why Marriage Self Help Books May Not Help
Why Marriage Self Help Books May Not Help in Marriage Conversation I’m sitting in Starbucks trying to concentrate while the place slowly fills up with women gathering for coffee. The topic of the morning seems to be husbands and the women for the most part aren’t happy with who they have. They aren’t saying they’re […]
Who’s Fault Doesn’t Really Matter in Marriage
Who’s Fault Doesn’t Really Matter in Marriage in Marriage Conversation I volunteered to run a booth at a recent charity event. I was paired with what appeared to be a hard nosed business guy – he owned a mid sized company – and we initially sized each other up. That’s what guys do in that […]
What’s Up Doc
What’s Up Doc in Marriage Conversation Marriage and the Communication Dilemma. We have a teenage daughter who is delightful, energetic and responsible. That is, she responds to a voice within her that listens to a beat I can’t quite hear. I have my own (inner) voices and although I am not schizoid yet, I do […]
What’s Marriage Got to do With it
What’s Marriage Got to do With it in Marriage Conversation Perhaps our deepest longing is to experience the legitimacy of our loving in the on going presence of someone loving us. Good marriages do that. In their absence, we too, cry. What’s Marriage got to do with it? I’m talking with a friend over coffee […]
What Marriage Is
What Marriage is in Marriage Conversation Marriage is an intentional act and the need for intention never eases. Marriage is an opportunity for self growth, a Petri dish of unending discovery. Marriage can take you beyond self absorption, narcissism and past wounds. You can do it by focusing on loving rather than being loved. Marriage creates […]
What Healthy Marriages Require – Finding Solutions to Dramatic Episodes
What Healthy Marriages Require – Finding Solutions to Dramatic Episodes in Marriage Conversation MC What Healthy Marriages Require – finding Solutions to Dramatic Episodes. When I see grown men who are public figures talk about their marriages in terms of forgiveness, shame and guilt I know that they don’t know very much about marriage. There […]
What Can You Say After You Say Im Sorry
What Can You Say After You Say Im Sorry in Marriage Conversation Re-imagining Marriage How can you prove that you are sincere? What do you do when someone you love blames you? How can you take a moment of truth and let it change you? These lyrics from 40 or 50 years ago, capture something […]
Vision Your Marriage
Vision Your Marriage in Marriage Conversation We do not often connect the need for vision in our most important relationships with the actions that visioning will produce. Smart business leaders dedicate time and energy to imagining just what they would like to see happen in their business over the next 12 months, 3 years and […]
Turnaround
Turnaround in Marriage Conversation Good marriages are all about paying attention. Monterey Bay on a sparkly blue day in early February, the bay stretches out to a light blue sky seals honk and squawk and the smells of healthy kelp beds mix in a warm breeze with whatever’s cooking in the small ocean facing shops […]
Trial by Error – Chaos Theory and Marriage
Trial by Error – Chaos Theory and Marriage in Marriage Conversation We all seem to long for a template – a clear outline by which we can run a war, build an educational system or pay our bills. And we are mostly disappointed when the unexpected derails our plans, sabotages our hopes or stunts our […]
The Way Marriage Works
The Way Marriage Works in Marriage Conversation MC The Way Marriage Works I want to introduce you to the new marriage conversation team and I want to do it for a good reason – what some call ‘a teaching moment.’ Nathan Curtis is the designer and maintainer of the www.marriageconversation.com site. Nathan is unflappable, attentive to detail, […]
The Third Pathway – Money
The Third Pathway – Money in Marriage Conversation The opening scene of Cabaret offers this – “money makes the world go around, the world go around, the world go around….” We live in a world of money. We ‘monetize’ actions, some behaviors are ‘value added’ and almost all activities of our lives have a moneyed […]
The Self Help Check Out Line For Marriage
Automation has its advantages. But I generally resist them. The supermarket where I shop recently installed a ‘self help’ line. They made it user friendly and I learned how to do it for those times when I all I need is a loaf of bread. But I miss my friend the checker. She always asks […]
The Passive Male Problem in Marriage
Some years ago a psychologist studied adult male schizophrenics to see if he could discover the possible role fathers played in the development of their condition. His findings, greatly simplified in a 500 word blog, were this – that the most dangerous father for young men to have was the passive father. Passivity is dangerous […]
The Non-News News
There is information delivered to us in bright red packages covered with glitter which, when opened, leaves us with a ‘is that all there is?’ response. I still can’t get over how much ‘news’ is not really news. We have craftily combined a free enterprise strategy with the delivery of essential information and that strategy […]
The Bully Factor
When his fourteen year old daughter recently told him in a cold and brutally insensitive tone that she ‘didn’t want to talk about it’ – a friend of mine replied (in a kind and warm tone) ‘please do not bully me.’ The daughter looked at him and said ‘what?’ He explained ‘I love you and that […]
The Birth of the Unusual Child Within
This Winter Solstice / Hanukah/ Christmas time of year reminds me of a deep truth contained within the celebrations but not explicitly stated. And that is that deep within the darkness of winter, new life is incubating within each of us. Each of us has legitimate access to the gifted, magical, wondrous child that we […]
Talking Helps
Albert Pujols, the high priced acquisition of the Los Angeles Angels baseball team, commenting on the team’s recent resurgence, said “talking helps,” and “we weren’t communicating.” The need for communication can be seen in almost every sport as teams constantly adjust to the changing conditions of a game. Years ago a doctor researching the causes […]
Surprise Attack
Simmering resentments (lit. re-feeling feelings) will unpredictably surface under stressful conditions. You may want to clean house with your own before they surprise you and do real damage. What’s often misunderstood in the work that psychotherapists do, is this: wounds, losses, betrayals and other damage done to our psychological world – need to be faced, […]
Speaking Out and Speaking Well
You can help shape the way elections happen The French novelist and philosopher Albert Camus, writing over sixty years ago, reminded his countrymen of what was needed from those who wanted to address their country’s challenges – “Now that we have won the means to express ourselves, our responsibility to ourselves and to the country […]
Sex Gone South
Marriage and the challenge of holiday distractions In a recent radio show I was asked how we deal with the common challenge of couples signing off on sex during the holidays. It’s a good question and one my wife and I are challenged by as well. The holidays bring an inordinate array of challenges to […]
Self Help Your Marriage – The Challenge of Happiness
Most of us think the self help industry – books, articles, videos – is for us. We want more ‘self esteem,’ we desire to increase personal effectiveness, we long to leverage our income making into wealth creation. All good. But have you thought that your marriage, the marriage itself, could use some ‘self help?’ Marriage […]
Saturday Morning Perspective
The world offers its things to worry about. About as often, people offer their idiosyncrasies to us to distract or annoy us. We live in a sensory whirlpool of – “urgently needed” products, sensational news, endless demands for our attention. What we need we don’t get. We don’t because we fail to recognize its importance. […]
Rich – The Value Factor in Self Helping your Marriage
I’m a rich man. Of course I’m broke. “You’ll have to learn to be better with your money,” my brother Wes told me when I was a boy. I spent everything I earned – paper boy, bottle collector, lip balm salesman, 8, 9, 10, 11… then I left. On the farm at 13 years old […]
Resonant Listening
The angry young stockbroker When the angry young stockbroker told his wife of a great deal he discovered on a fix me up beach house, she replied ‘we can’t afford it. We aren’t even putting money away for our 401k.’ In my office he practically foamed at the mouth as he told her that she […]
Pathways Within Pathways
The poet, Robert Frost wrote “two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and, sorry I could not travel both and be one traveler, long I stood… Within marriage there are roads taken and roads passed by. We see the journeys within marriage as paths that converge and separate, intertwine and veer off. Let’s look at […]
Parenting – Protect their Play
Protect their Play: a parenting perspective My youngest daughter turns 13 in two weeks. I can see her daily going from tween to teen. She’s a young woman with lots of friends, lots of school activity, lots of interests. There’s not so much time for hanging out, getting an ice cream, taking mini vacations. The […]
On Political Intelligence
If I were to advise either of the two major candidates for office of the President of the United States – Barack Obama and Mitt Romney – I would tell them this: take a chance. Forget personal attacks, leave behind the characterization of ‘issues’ your team believes represents the other’s point of view, stop trying […]
Now That You’ve All Heard
Now that you’ve all heard about marriage and its challenges, now that you’ve watched endless television shows that lampoon long term relationships, now that you’ve lived together long enough to be bored together and maybe just maybe ask each other if there’s something more for the two of you.. Now that you’ve all heard about […]
New Discoveries, Real Challenges
Marriage is an intentional act and the need for intention never eases. Marriage is an opportunity for self growth, a Petri dish of unending discovery. Marriage can take you beyond self absorption, narcissism and past wounds. You can do it by focusing on loving rather than being loved. Marriage creates community – good or not so […]
My Partner Responds
This post is in response to the Stephen’s post Get rid of that Picture This blog “speaks to me;” what’s more, I found myself about 20 times in it. So, at the risk of shamelessly self-referencing (but with full-disclosure that I am the author’s wife – no doubt there were a few moments when he was actually […]
Marriage, Apologies, Honoring Past Presidents, and Disney
Sometimes I only get to scan the headlines but this morning’s news (L.A.Times, June 1, 2012) pulled me in several different directions. Where do I invest the few minutes I have when the stories are so diverse and interesting? President Barack Obama honors (sort of) former President Bush – ‘he did a great job with a […]
Marriage Turning Point
Many marriages slide relentlessly into a sort of flat lined, vacant, humorless existence. But if you’re reading this I have reason to believe you want something better. You might want a marriage that fulfills the promise of your enthusiasm the day you agreed to marry. You might imagine a relationship that works where conflict is […]
Marriage out of the Silo – A Cure for Loneliness
In our last blog we pointed out that isolating yourselves from each other, from your family or from your community – is dangerous. Many demons live in the silos we create and they’re quite happy to flood our minds with images that destroy relationships. Few of us are true victims (though some are) and fewer […]
Marriage on the Radio
Last week’s blog was a response to a superficial article in Time Magazine about men being pigs. I took offense. I argued that some recent high profile behavior of men was unfortunate, even juvenile. But “pigs?” I thought the use of the word sounded more like militant Puritanism than intelligent discussion. Then I went on […]
Marriage is about Love – But….
“All you need is love… da, da da-da, da-da, da” so goes the lovely John Lennon mantra, and he’s right. And also missing something. I have known many people who actually love other people but their fear or their insecurity or their past wounds and losses – get in their way. The person loved often […]
Marriage in Winter
Take a minute to notice how your mood changes around the holidays. Then notice how you feel as the days slowly get longer and the weather loops around from warm and sunny to chilly to rainy and back again. Notice this and you’ll also notice that our ‘inner’ weather loops around quite a bit as […]
Marriage Challenges – 3 Solutions for a Happier Marriage
Marriage Solutions can be hard to find, unless you know where to look… “Are your children getting more attention from your spouse than you are?” 3 things you can do to turn the tide now It’s not unusual for the focus of your life to shift according to need or according to interest. When couples first meet […]
Marriage Challenge Number One
The most difficult challenge I have in coaching couples into song is this: belief. One word, belief. We all seem hard wired to exaggerate what’s missing in our relationships and to minimize what’s good. So what do I want couples to believe? What is it that healthy couples carry around with them that struggling couples […]
Marriage Can Help your Self Discovery
It’s no mystery to any of us married for more than a little while that marriage is both opportunity and challenge. Challenge because you signed on for a personal growth course when you said ‘I do’ and are just now realizing it. Challenge because the one you chose isn’t at all who you thought they […]
Marriage as Adventure
thoughts on an overcast day If I chose you and now know more about you than when I made that choice, is my uncertainty about my wisdom or about you? Nature brings to Southern California an ‘inversion layer’ – warm air pressing down the cooler air which wants to rise. Today that means we enjoy […]
Marriage and the Self Help Dumping Ground
I read an editorial in the Los Angeles Times this morning: “California I’m Dumping You.” Then I took a nap. But I couldn’t sleep. The idea of ‘dumping’ disturbed me and I kept thinking ‘I’m not dumping California, I’m embracing it. I’m embracing my marriage too and my life.’ ‘Dumping’ has become kind of hip. […]
Make Your Marriage Your Art Form
In the marathon called life, marriage often comes in last. Like our health we often ignore it until the danger signs ramp up to near disaster. “Oh,” we seem to say, ” does our marriage need attention?” Like people on fast food diets we do not attend to the needs of the organism, our bodies, […]
Make Marriage Work
Most of us launch our marriages with promises spoken as vows that somebody else has written. We repeat them as if we could not possibly remember what they are or say them correctly if not prompted to do so. We do this because it’s the custom of the day and maybe to reassure ourselves that […]
Loving – Is a Gift
I chose Valentine’s Day as the day to remind me to screw my head on straight. I am not into boxes of candy for my honey – that’s a ‘gift’ she really doesn’t appreciate. Flowers are ok but they start fading in a day or two. The gift I want to give her is the […]
Love’s Day is Every Day
There’s a great deal of advice floating around our there – “ten tips for lovers;” “what to buy so you don’t look like you’re buying her off;” “create a dreamy evening just for him” – all good, all doable. But we had to ask (it’s our job) this: “what does Valentine’s Day really have to […]
Love Story
The Love Story of the Year cannot be found in the movies. It is not a novel. No matter how well a Hollywood writer can describe two people coming together the story will pale against what happens every day in your own living room. Your unspoken, under appreciated, unseen love story is the story of […]
Listening Who Do you Want to Influence
Marriage and relationship complaints about partners not listening are offered by those who themselves often don’t listen. A husband and father I know complains of his teenage children: “they just don’t listen! How do you get your children to listen?” A second kind of listening is more often found in business but it’s there everyday […]
Listening the Giver and the Receiver – Information based Listening
The brilliant web designer and graphic artist, Dan Grant (iDigDesign.com) read my last piece (Marriage is about Love, but..) on competent listening and shot me an email. “Stephen, I like your breaking down listening to three skill sets, but you should give us more. How about an article on each one?” So here goes. The […]
Lettermans Self Help and The Marriage That Was
No doubt about it. Letterman helped himself. He created the illusion of sincere, hip and funny all at once. It wasn’t funny. It really wasn’t hip, unless of course, you’re a Peter Pan man. He gave us a line or two about ‘Lutheran guilt’ and said he was loaded with it – but showed no […]
Leadership and Marriage
Leadership and Marriage are two concepts we don’t often put together. Relationships are about love, about communication, about listening and conflict resolution. Marriage is also about leadership, which is about vision, action, goals, and accountability. Recently in my work with business owners and corporate executives I have been increasingly asked ‘what constitutes a healthy marriage?’ […]
Lazy Days and Internal Combustion
a memo to men I have met my latest granddaughter and she is lovely. My artist son and his artist wife travelled from Philadelphia last week with six month old Maya and I fell in love. Again. It’s wondrous and magical seeing her feet fly and her hands wave recklessly around when I come into […]
Intensity
Does your partner believe you’re listening? John, from Texas, wrote, after reading last week’s post, “you were on a roll, Frueh, keep going.” I appreciate the feedback because writing from the heart often feels like yelling into a wind tunnel – you can’t really tell if anyone’s listening or if what you say makes any […]
How Clear Are You
And what is your intention? “..and now the days are short, I’m in the autumn of my years, and now I think of my life as vintage wine from fine old kegs, it poured sweet and clear from the brim to the dregs, it was a very good year..” We look for politicians to be […]
Help Yourself and Your Marriage During Holiday Stress
Help Yourself and Your Marriage During Holiday Stress How does a person take what’s given to them and transform it into something that makes them proud of their living skills? Here’s what I mean by this overly wordy question: The holidays bring with them once a year demands on time and money that are unusual […]
Help Your Self Holiday Care and Feeding Your Marriage
We’re heading down the holiday home stretch. Some of us are anxious, some not so much. Some of us believe that the ‘happiness equation’ – that measure we unconsciously apply to the quality of our own holiday experience – depends on the number of parties we attend, the size of gifts we buy or the […]
Help For Marriage – Where to Find Marriage Help
I’m often asked by friends and acquaintances about help for marriages that are troubled. They ask, ‘when a couple is experiencing challenges in their marriage where should they look for help?’ Often they start at the Yellow Pages and are overwhelmed with choices. This is what I hear: “ I talked to our family doctor […]
Growing Up – The Art of Loving in Marriage
“I’ve had to do a lot of growing up in my marriage and have had to learn how to stop pointing fingers and instead take inventory and look at what my responsibility is”… “being a worshipped rock star it’s easy to convince yourself that you deserve love and you should be loved, but I’ve had […]
Gratitude
Someone said to me, just yesterday, “my children are grown and scattered across the globe. My working career is coming to an end. I have physical ailments I never dreamed I’d have to face. Yet, this Thursday is Thanksgiving and I’m spending it with some homeless friends down by the river. I’m grateful that they […]
Going By a Way you Do Not Know
“You say I am repeating something I have said before. I shall say it again. Shall I say it again? In order to get where you are not, You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy. In order to arrive at what you do not know You must go by a way […]
Give Yourself a Standing Ovation
My 11 year old daughter looking right at me, said this: “did you throw that (crumpled piece of paper laying on the living room floor) away?” “Yes,” I said, “I did.” “Papa, did it have ‘please throw me away’ written on it?” My daughter has a very clear connection between her authority and her loving. […]
Getting Caught Up
Every day you hear this: ‘Things are moving so fast. I just got a smart phone and now I have to get the QR app.’ We are in the tech fast lane and most of us are bozos trying to figure it out. I stand in front of the line. If it weren’t for my […]
Get Rid of That Picture
A middle aged (does ‘middle aged’ mean anything anymore?) CEO (‘stressed, dressed and obsessed’ – is the way his wife describes him) came to see me for some coaching earlier this week. He owns two companies and it’s not enough. His business thrives in down times. He has no cash flow problems. He’s looking at […]
Five Critical Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before You Give Up On Your Marriage
Here are five critical questions you must ask before you give up on your marriage. Ask yourself: Who am I wanting to divorce? Self Audit: What don’t I bring to this Marriage? Who is truly helped by my decision? Have I created an irresistible invitation to get both of us involved with a professional coach […]
Facing the Reality of your Marriage
“what you seek is within you” the wizard The morning sun on Monterey Bay cast the softest warmth on the blue green sea and I stretched on the sand and thought about our work – couples clarifying and expanding their idea of marriage. I was in Monterrey having some work done on our 1971 VW […]
Environmentally Sound Marriage
‘we’ll build a little nest somewhere a way out west… and let the rest of the world..?’ I listened to a disgruntled citizen the other day as he complained about environmentalists and the trouble they cause. He said something like this: ‘all these *$#!@# regulations stifle economic growth” – as if economic growth were a […]
Dr. Phil Review – Not a Relationship
We like to believe that the world can be separated into those that are ‘straight shooters’ and those who obfuscate, dissemble, ambivilate and annoy. Most of us like to think we’re in the first group but the truth is we are all fence sitters. We hedge when we think it’s in our best interests to […]
Divorce and the National Average
We live on a cul de sac in a ‘safe’ city in Southern California. Our neighbors are polite and friendly. We all share vegetables from our gardens. Nobody speeds. We are all conscious of the nine children living in the four houses at the end of the circle. We are middle class with middle class […]
Continual Renewal
“Auto pilot relating” means you no longer believe that change and growth is an important part of intimacy. You may believe that your partner can’t or will not change. You may believe that you’re ‘too old to change’ or that your partner is too old. Recently at a business forum when introducing the attendees, the […]
Complexity
In Marriage and in Politics, simplistic solutions mislead. Most marriages begin with a basic and important fallacy. It is this: ‘we’re in love and everything’s going to be fine.’ This belief misses the necessary and inevitable effects of people changing and growing, of their situation – jobs, health, extended family, community shifts, political winds, economics, […]
Child Abuse in Pennsylvania
Whenever I can I pick up news items that are relevant to the families I am privileged to deal with. This article comes in today’s (Friday the 13th) N.Y. Times. Two judges, in the Scranton area of Pennsylvania, have been arrested for, what else, greed. They shuttled teenagers with minor (really minor) offenses to a […]
Child Abuse in Brazil
A recent news item in the N.Y. Times (Saturday, March 28, 2009) followed up an earlier report on the abuse of young girls in Brazil. The story centered on a nine year old girl who was impregnated as a result of rape by her stepfather. The girl who was pregnant with twins was taken to […]
Check Whiner at the Door
Marriage holds within it huge possibilities for personal growth – including, but not limited to: increasing your capacity to listen to someone you love; articulating complex feelings / thinkings; shaping your personal vision in partnership with someone else’s vision; learning to embrace conflict. These are all required for those who wish to live a full […]
Changing Civilization
This morning, someone I know really well told me a dream about her mother. Her mother, you might want to know, died many years ago. As she related the dream I realized she was re-evaluating the relationship she had with her mother. She was looking at the way she and her mother protected her father […]
Begin it Now
A company president once told me this: “you know, Stephen, common sense is not all that common.” He was right and if you look around you’ll see a lot that qualifies as not such good sense. Especially at this time of bank failures, rising unemployment and surging national debt. We have some serious economic challenges […]
Begin it Now Again
A company president once told me this: “you know, Stephen, common sense is not all that common.” He was right and if you look around you’ll see a lot that qualifies as not such good sense. Especially at this time of bank failures, rising unemployment and surging national debt. We have some serious economic challenges […]
Attention Span Self Help Solutions for a Tired Marriage
Focusing on what your partner is saying, tuning in, being fully present to the conversation is one of the necessary ‘arts’ of intimate connecting.. Have you ever walked away from someone and then realized they weren’t finished with what they were saying? Has it ever happened to you? You are telling your partner something that […]
At Night I Wonder If
Marriage, as we know it, will make it. Here’s what I know. If I ask you to tell me three things you cherish about your partner, you’ll pause. If, on the other hand, I ask you to tell me three things that are wrong with your marriage, you’ll answer quickly. We are simultaneously asking marriage […]
And Sunday Evening Retrospect
Would it be too much to ask? Ask whether the so called ‘weekend’ was what you wanted. What you signed up for. To ask a question dripping with meaning – why? Why did I do what I did? Why didn’t I do what I thought I’d do? Why did I spend time with ____ and […]
About Marriage Conversation
Introducing Stephen W. Frueh M.Div; PhD Stephen is a coach and educator who has a passion for teaching people the fundamentals of effective relationships. He created the With These Rings model, working on it for over ten years, and expects to publish it this year. Raised in the inner cities of New Jersey Stephen is […]
A Time for Imagining Marriage
There are a lot of ‘chronics’ – chronic arguments, chronic indigestion, chronic indebtedness, chronic sleeplessness… Marriages are dissolving in the fifty percent range and while that may have been a sign of hope thirty years ago when many marriages were simply ‘duty dances’ it is no longer hopeful. Chronic dissolution and the pain of children […]
A Marriage Strategy for Successful Communication
Show don’t Tell When my wife recently challenged my purchase of a new laptop (top end with all the bells and whistles) with a “did we really need to spend that much? question, I saw a moment of opportunity. “Look” I said as I turned the laptop towards her – clean new keys glistening, ease […]
A Man’s Wedding
I walked briskly up the curved driveway of a beautiful Southern California home. Not a mansion, not a tract either. I rang the doorbell of a male friend, Frank, that I hadn’t seen in a couple of years, that is, since I was best man at his wedding. Our individual lives had become busy with […]
Conflict & Communication Radio Show
“Conflict And Communication In A Relationship” from Marriage Experts Series by Dr Stephen Frueh.