“You say I am repeating
something I have said before. I shall say it again.
Shall I say it again? In order to get where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession…”
(T.S. Eliot, East Coker, in Four Quartets)
To get where you are not is the promise I offer if you will only renew your willingness to rebirth your marriage.
The way marriage became what it is today, that is to say an ‘institution’ rather than a living organism – was by the way of ignorance. No one bothered to create the scaffolding that would be strong enough for individuals to grow within (individuation), transparent enough to allow maximum individual choice and expression, and compelling enough to elicit our most profound visions and our deepest expectations for partnering.
We built too small a container for our loving. We effectively dumbed down our creative instincts as they apply to relationship. We made rules. We invented weddings that had little or no meaning. We became consumers longing for a ‘good life’ one that wouldn’t change, wouldn’t surprise us, would predictably always focus on normality. In that context, joy was replaced by boredom, fresh growth by compliance.
If you live with assumptions, assumptions will box in your imagination and soon all you’ll have are the assumptions you alone invent.
To go from assumptions to intimate connecting takes an inquiring spirit, the capacity for genuine transparency and courage, the ability to stand still when confused or in doubt.
Assumptions put life on auto pilot. You no longer have to think. This is why some religions incredibly prosper. They preach compliance, obedience, a black and white ethic and offer a cult of ‘insider/ outsider.’ Once you’re in all you have to do is what you are told to do.
Intimate connecting on the other hand, is based on non compliance, appreciation for the ‘gray’s in life and inclusiveness. We all belong. We belong to each other and, most of all, we belong to ourselves.
The pathway of intimate connecting involves curiosity, attentiveness, presence and genuineness. More on that next week.
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