Marriage out of the Silo – A Cure for Loneliness

 In Marriage and Men, What is Marriage

In our last blog we pointed out that isolating yourselves from each other, from your family or from your community – is dangerous. Many demons live in the silos we create and they’re quite happy to flood our minds with images that destroy relationships.

Few of us are true victims (though some are) and fewer still are unable to create a life where relationships are possible and where relationships positively feed our longing. It is a matter of choice.

“Choice! Choice? Did you say Choice! as if I created my own misery?!” – a young husband shouted at me as I explained the dangers of his self isolating strategies. He couldn’t believe that he had everything to do with the misery that he complained about but was creating in his marriage.

Choosing to withdraw from someone you love and, once on your perch of superiority, diagnosing and analyzing them – or choosing to take responsibility for your own happiness, is a very big deal.

The essential need of all humans is to love

Here’s the ‘nutshell’ version: the essential need of all humans is to love. Yes, we like being loved and, as infants, we can’t live without being loved. But, adult growth, self respect, individual manifestation, dignity – all rely on the development of our capacity to love.

To love others is to fulfill the deep and enduring human need to connect. We are not built to live alone. We are hard wired to connect, to feel the impact of our loving another, to realize our meaning as individuals in the context of relationships (and this is why the politicalization of marriage via the same sex ‘debate’ is silly – deep intimate connecting is a realization of spirit and soul. The so called ‘moral’ debate is simply a religious artifact)

The young husband was simply trying to lay off his fear of intimate connection on his partner. He was good at diagnosing, analyzing and theorizing. He was incompetent in facing his own fear of intimate connection.

So the ‘takeaway’ is this: walk through your fear. Risk vulnerability. Risk loving who you love. Make leaving your silo your first order of business.

Next week: the competencies of loving.

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